Personal Growth and Randomness

Well I’m halfway through my personal growth classes. And I am starting to open up about the surgery. At the beginning of the classes, when the instructor said he didn’t want people drinking during the class, I freaked out a little bit. I already have enough trouble getting my water in, if I have to spend a total of about 4 hours without drinking I’ll die (yes yes I have a great sense of exaggeration)! So during the break I explained my situation to him and when we came back from the break here’s what he said to the 100 people there :

“As you know I have no favorites, and everybody’s the same. But for medical reason, one of you has to have water with her, JULIE will be allowed to have a bottle of water during the classes”

Let me say I turned 25 shades of red as I had 99 pairs of eyes on me. Some didn’t care while I could see in others the question marks. So slowly I decided to open up about getting the surgery and the reaction so far has been really encouraging so much so that maybe I’ll open up with some friends and Facebook.

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Sunday before Game of Thrones, I had to go to the grocery store for cat food. Now grocery stores are still dangerous for me not really because I’ll buy junk food (mostly chips) but because I’ll buy food I don’t eat and won’t eat and end up throwing it away. So I’m in the grocery store, mind going 5,000 rpm saying OK cat food what else do I need while I’m here? I ended up standing in the chips aisle for about 5 minutes deciding which one would be the “least bad” for me. Suddenly I’m like WTF…. you don’t really want chips, and you’re actually not hungry, so I left with two cans of cat food and grapes LOL yeah couldn’t just get the cat food but I feel it was a step in the right direction only one other thing and it was relatively healthy.

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Training ahhhh training. My sweet sadistic trainer, gotta love him. On our Monday workout, he told me that Thursday we would spend most of our time with deadlifts. OMG, I might have to be sick Thursday morning…. they are so hard and he keeps adding the pounds on the bar. So instead of doing 3 sets of 12 I’ll be doing about 20 sets. Then it’ll be the rope pulling muscle/cardio exercise which last time I did it left me shaking and of course being the maniac that he is loved it. So now I have no choice but to rest, go to bed early, be well hydrated because this Thursday is going to the mother of workouts (for someone out of shape like me)…..  These are the two exercises that I’ll be doing…. these ladies look much more graceful than I do 🙂

 

 

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So if everything in my life is positive, why do I feel blah…. I can’t seem to put my finger on it but something is off. Is it because I’m tired? Is it because I feel I’m not losing enough weight? Am I getting a cold? Do I need a day off? I seriously cannot pinpoint it but something is off/not quite right…….

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My coworker is driving my bunkers. Ever since Prince died and we had a conversation on how much it hit me (not quite as hard as Bowie) but still I really really enjoyed his music…. at least 10 times a day she’ll sing Purple Rain Purple Rain to me, that’s all she knows of the song and the only song she knows of him….GRRRRR enough already and it’s not my favorite…..

OK now I’m done!

Kill me now….

I am exhausted. I think I might be overextending myself.

It’s been a month now that I wake up most days at 4:45 to go to the gym. But have I changed any other habits in my life? OF COURSE NOT.

I go to bed way too late, it’s catching up to me now.

I’m sitting at work just finished some rushes, the boss is gone and I’m getting cross-eyed from sleepiness. I get up and walk around but it’s a small office, not a lot of space to walk.

It’s Friday, you’re thinking hey the weekend you’ll be able to rest. NOOOOOO because of this renewed energy and sociability, my weekend is booked, all my weekends are booked! I need clean clothes, I need to get rid of my winter clothing, yes it’s too big now!!!  I need to clean my house, I need to rest.

OK the two things I have to work on for the next week (weeks):

• Stop buying food as I did before, I barely eat anymore no need for 3 heads of broccoli, 4 cucumbers, 3 packs of portobello mushrooms……. I need to adapt my shopping;
• Go to bed earlier and figure out that my life will not disappear, I don’t need to live it all right now, I can space things out!

Happy weekend everybody !

 

 

First Milestone and random thoughts

Well Saturday morning after my work out, I got home, took a shower and weighed myself….. HAPPY DANCE, I’ve lost 50 pounds. I was so thrilled and excited. A third of the weight I have to lose gone. I’ve been telling people all weekend, requesting high-five from everybody I knew this weekend!

My trainer this morning surprised me with one more exercise in my program and now two exercises before my one minute break and he added weight on each one…. I’ll admit to a little bit of sweat starting to pearl between the boobs, lower back and my hairline… huh I guess it’s working but I still cursed him LOL (it’s my role as an out of shape trainee).

So I had a big cheat this weekend, not on the quantity of food or the quality but on my vegan diet. There is a restaurant here, a staple place called St-Hubert, BBQ chicken, sooo damn good and ever since before the operation (that horrible liquid diet) I’ve had a craving for a breast of chicken, this weekend I gave in. I went, had the breast with rice cold slaw and of course it comes with their sauce (in a little bowl for dipping) and a slice of toasted hamburger bread.

I didn’t take the fries because well because I’m not a saint and fries in my plate means fries in my mouth (as I’m a “salt and greasy” chick). So after taking the skin off my breast sniff sniff it’s so tasty (but dang it’s pure horrifying fat – and if olives don’t agree me, I can’t imagine chicken skin does), and proceeded to dip my little piece of chicken in the sauce. Right away it hit me, 1. chicken is quite bland (more than 2 years not touching chicken) and 2. TADAM it’s the sauce I was craving. Of course I still ate part of my chicken, double and triple dipping in my sauce. Of course afterwards I kept looking at my watch to the point where my cousin asked if I had to be elsewhere to which I replied NO NO I’m just freakin’ thirsty. Dang that sauce is salty. Then I remember that from childhood to adulthood and then on, I used to drink whatever was left of that sauce….. now the thought of drinking it brrrrr gross LOL

Lastly, some of my shoes are getting too big. I have a slight memory that in one of my many diets, the same thing had happened but I remember it being further away (like around 70 pounds lost). I hope that means that some shoes will start to fit better now HAHAHAHAHA

 

Things I’ve learned so far

I’m learning a lot about myself with this process. Some things I knew but didn’t believe, others are brand new and some I just plainly didn’t believe:

I am strong-willed. I always thought that because I failed at every diet I’ve tried, I was weak, had no will power. Well I do, because this surgery is not the easy out, oh so not. You have calculate, think in advance, plan (things I suck at). So now I plan, not perfectly but I plan, I try to stick to a schedule. Yesterday the second in a restaurant with a friend, I ordered my meal, ate slowly, stopped when I was full. She ordered a dessert, I was fine watching her eat, even her fries didn’t appeal to me. She had a soda, I had water that I made sure to not drink before the meal and 30 minutes (one of my biggest challenge). As I sat there I realized that yeah I’m making the good choices, not the easy ones, and I do reap the benefits.

I am focused. I used to say that I had the attention span of a two year old. But I realize now that when I really want to I can focus like “nobody’s business”. My main goal is still quite far away, but everything I do now is geared towards that goal. And for far nothing can get me off this track.

Having learned at a very young age that bragging was quite a bad thing, unwanted quality, my young mind associated being proud of myself with bragging, thus a bad thing. I’m finally very slowly breaking free of that false belief. I am proud of myself because I do work hard for my results not because I’m bragging.

Food shopping, now that is still an issue. I realized Tuesday that I still buy food as if I was still the same (full stomach and bad eating habits). I buy lots of food and once I get home and start putting it away I realize that I’ll have to throw a whole lot of it away, which breaks my heart. I have to think and plan before I leave for the store, which brings me back to my first point….

Finally, I had one certainty before I had the surgery, it was that I would have to give up at least one of my favorite. My mind always went to pizza (because chips and dip were obviously gone), I could live on pizza but before the surgery I became vegan so pizza was gone already and I put the idea of giving up a favorite out of my mind. Well people OLIVES are gone…. they absolutely do not agree with me anymore, makes me a little bit sad but I accept it…. no more olives, snif snif!!!!!

OH OH one last thing, for the second time now I catch myself saying something like “When I was fat….. ” Now I am still fat (259 as of this morning) not as big as before but still, I take it as a positive sign that I keep saying when I was fat….. I could actually be successful this time 🙂

 

Two Months Today

Well it’s been two months today since I had my gastric bypass done (8:30 am).

I feel like a new person, even caught myself saying to a coworker “when I was fat”…. I smiled and said “But I still am fat” but I feel different than from every diet I’ve ever done before. I have lost as of today 46 pounds. Parts of me feel it’s not enough, but when I rationalize and think for a minute about it, it’s damn good.

It was a rough start, the first two weeks were excruciating. My emotions were all over the place, I was unbelievably weak, fatigued and as ready as I was, I was not ready for the “not being hungry thing”, I had never not been hungry in my life. It was a very strange feeling. Protein shakes, soups pretty much made me want to throw up. I was really wondering what I had done to myself. I pretty much put my body in starvation mode and then because of that gained a couple of pounds (4 to be exact).

Getting out of the liquid phase, was a blessing for me. I made my purees, try to pack them with as much nutrients as possible and slowly my energy came back up and the pounds started dropping. I felt optimistic again and stopped regretting my decision.

Now I truly feel like my new life has started. My outlook on things is so much more positive, I have never been this focused on my goals, putting all my efforts to succeed.

What has changed from all the times before? Other than operation, is that I did a lot of work on myself before going through this. As I knew I was going to pay for it, I wanted to make sure that I stacked the deck in my favor. So lots and lots of work on my psyche, emotional health, stopped smoking, etc. I just wanted to make sure that I went into this adventure with the optimal conditions. I had read enough about the psychological effects of the bariatric surgery on people, I needed to get ready, not just physically.

All this rambling to basically pat myself on the back two months in…. and say that yes I am proud of myself !!!!

I touch myself

Yeah I knew that would get your attention 😉 I’m starting to feel bones. I’m sitting here reading a letter I keep touching my jawbone that I can actually feel without pushing my fingers in. I can feel my collar bones and I keep touching as if they were going to disappear again. If I push my fingers in a bit, I can feel my HIPS dang, I thought I didn’t have those things anymore…. OK I still have to push but I’m getting there. I went shopping this weekend, I needed a new bra, yes I went from a DD to a C cup, I’m loosing my boobies…. oh well! I knew it was coming! You know even though I have lost weight before time and time again, it’s always surprising the little things you forget, like the bones, or sleeping on your stomach is suddenly comfortable again, bending over to tie your shoes and coming back up you’re not out of breath… little things but oh how satisfying!

I’m still a little bummed that I don’t “suffer” from the dumping syndrome but I have realized that if I listen (and not always carefully, just paying attention) you’ll know exactly what you can and cannot eat. I know now that regular white pasta doesn’t really agree with me, digestion is a bit painful but when I eat brown rice pasta the digestion is a lot easier. I had dinner Friday, a bad one but one of my favorites in the old days, crackers and olives (I’m an olive freak). OK before was soda, chips & dips and olives, I’ve modified it for healthy crackers (full of proteins) and olives. Well it didn’t agree with me….. I think my days of having olives for dinner are over, I cross my fingers that one or two with a meal will still be ok but for now no more olives, but I had broccoli for the first time this weekend and yeah success… I can have broccoli again. I still have trouble believing that it’s actually me being excited to eat broccoli…. ahhhh how times change.

This morning I started my third week of working with a trainer. I think our honeymoon phase is over. How can I say this politely… I damned him to hell this morning LOL. He’s still a very sweet guy but damn he’s hard on me (yes I know that’s what I pay him for). And I did warn him that I would bitch and moan, but I would still do the exercises. I thought I was getting into a groove but he increased all my weights this morning, and now I’m sore everywhere. So I keep telling myself that it’s good pain much much better than having trouble going up and down the stairs because of joint pain from obesity but dang oh dang it’s hard!

Now, the other side, the darker one. Slowly losing friends. I was ready for it but still there’s always one who catches you off guard. I expected things to change as I am changing. People kept asking me how I was doing and for some answering fantastic makes them happy, they tell me I deserve it, that it’s my turn. Others though, aren’t so happy you’re doing well, so they slowly distance themselves from you. Except for one, I expected it and honestly I had already emotionally distanced myself, got ready. But that one friend, that I picked up, helped, been there for the worse and the best… I expected her to be there, but as soon as I said I’m doing great, keeping busy, that I was in a good place physically, emotionally, spirituality I stopped hearing from her, I must say I’m a little saddened by it but what can I do, I cannot force the friendship. If she cannot be there when things are going well, then I guess the friendship has run its course and I just have to mourn it and move on. It’s a little sad really, but not enough to derail me.

 

Feeling the lack of liquids

 

I’ve been having a hard time in the last week or so to get all my fluids in and I think I’m starting to feel the effects. I knew by my lack of urine and the color of it, but now my skin feels dry and I’m so sluggish it’s crazy. I’m sitting here at work pretty much falling asleep, having to get up just wake me up and keeping me from getting too cross-eyed. I have not been this tired since I don’t know when. In the first few weeks after the operation, my body felt drained of energy, taking my shower was exhausting. But now I just want to crawl under a rock and sleep,  I was able to do 60 minutes of cardio this morning though it was not easy (never is I hate cardio), I had plenty of energy but I just want to sleep.

I have managed to get my water intake back to 2 liters, thanks to MY4ME (and Vega Electrolyte Hydratror) but I think I’ll have to wait a bit for it to take effect.

Then again I could be wrong, but I decided to blame the water intake for the tiredness, the exhaustion, and the “blah feeling” I’m feeling right now!!!! and hopefully I’m right.

Still going…. 7 weeks post-op

Well it’s still going well. Though I felt really hungry yesterday for the first time. I ate some Gardein “chicken” filet with carrots. Now I may not “suffer” from the dumping syndrome but my stomach or pouch (I think they call it that because it’s so small it’s not deserving of the word stomach) is very communicative. If I don’t chew enough, if I eat to fast, take bites that are too big, the pouch lets me know immediately. So as I was hungry for lunch, I prepared my lunch and just dove in while chatting with my colleagues. OH BOY! within not even 2 minutes I felt like my pouch was contracting, it was quite painful. I stopped eating for a few minutes and while on break realized that had reverted back to my old habits of barely chewing my food properly. Quite a loud reminder to chew and slow down. And I was so happy that raw carrots went down easily and with no pain. Slowly introducing veggies (raw or blanched) in my diet, this thrills me to no end….. soon broccoli, I’ll be back (I miss it so much)!!!!!!

I have a course on Monday nights that ends pretty late (usually between 11:00 and midnight). We had the second one this week and it was my second junk food snack craving since the operation. This time though I didn’t give in, but when I got home I took 3 kalamata olives and 2 quinoa crackers. I know I shouldn’t be snack before going to bed….. that’s the one thing I’m having trouble with only on Mondays after the seminars, thank god it only lasts 11 weeks!

The one thing I have trouble with is my water intake. I’m at about one liter a day and I have no idea how to increase it. Sometimes I’ll try to push it and my pouch will immediately send a message, the pain is intense but very short lived. I started adding lemon to my water just to change the taste a bit, because that is the only thing I drink and it’s getting quite boring. But I keep on going, trying to get more water in my new body!

But overall, down 43 pounds, training every morning, high energy level… those feelings of remorse and regrets of the first few weeks are long gone (and hopefully I remain on this path of ease and success for a little while still!)

Everything is Possible

 

I am on such a high! And I have no idea where to turn. I feel bad (or maybe guilty is a better word) telling people how good I’m feeling… if that makes any sense.

I am losing weight (about 1/2 pound a day), I train every morning (twice with a trainer). I feel myself living for the first time in about 5 years. I feel re-energized it’s crazy. But then there are a lot of people around me not feeling so good, their lives aren’t going the way they would like or are having problems and I feel that for the first time in a very very long time, I’m the one whose life is going well and I feel something that I can’t really name guilt? bad? arrogant?

So I basically tone it down when talking to people but I’m going to explode. I’m so happy. Every single thing that matters to me is going well in my life. Four even three weeks ago, I was not so happy, I was weak, I was wondering what I had done to myself. But now, I’m so happy to have had the surgery. I know I’m lucky, and I truly appreciate it. I did “cheat” on my diet and had cheezies (about 10 of them), unfortunately no dumping syndrome but when I woke up the next day I was nauseated and just felt out of whack…. so no more cheezies for me!

I started incorporating solids in my diet, so happy about that. I’ll finally be able to dump the eggs and go back a full vegan diet, my soul will love that 😉 Though I did have trouble with the toast I tried, I’ll wait a couple of days and go back to it and give it another shot.

Even though I’m still fat (from 309 to 266), my demeanor has changed, I walk a little taller. Since stopping smoking 17 months ago, it’s the proudest I’ve been of myself. I am more focused than I’ve ever been, everything I do is geared toward my goal, getting back into scuba diving, continuing my training and working in that field (hopefully in a place where I can dive everyday, not like here where it’s winter 6 months out of the year)….

I’ve even started “personal growth” classes to help with the self confidence and public speaking, let’s hope it helps 🙂